What's up with the pathetic remakes of shit

[anarky]

Indeed.

Tits are tits, big or small, and they are always beautiful things (unless they're old and wrinkly, or were severely damaged in a fire, or something). I challenge any man who complains about a woman having small breasts to not put them in his mouth if he finds her naked in his bedroom.

[RoIIo Tomassi]

Here's Kaitlyn Leeb as nature intended her.

[anarky]

Small with prosthetics, then, it appears to be.

Small and lovely.

[Snigtad Flornbi]

I HERD THAY R MAKEIN A NEW IEYERN MAN MOVE, GOD DAM THE OTHER 1 JEST CAME OUT, WHAT NEXT A NEW THAR MOVIE?

[RoIIo Tomassi]

You're ass is Thor.

[RoIIo Tomassi]

So I'm perusing the Release Date calendar for upcoming releases and got down to October. Taken 2 with Liam Neeson is coming out?? What? His daughter is kidnapped again or something?
Not strictly a pathetic remake (I rather enjoyed the first one) but did it warrant a sequel?

I also see their rebooting the Alex Cross movies. At first I thought Ed Burns was playing Cross because his name was first on the cast list, and I was like WTF? Then I realized Tyler Perry is playing Cross. So does that mean the movie will be called Tyler Perry's James Patterson's Alex Cross?

And they're making Paranormal Activity 4. Which is five too many sequels in the franchise if you ask me.

[anarky]

"I still don't know who you are or what you want, but, if you don't return my daughter this time, I will find you again and I will kill you again."

[RoIIo Tomassi]

"I still don't know who you are or what you want, but, if you don't return my daughter this time, I will find you again and I will kill you again."

Which leads to Taken 3.
"Goddamnit!! Quit taking my daughter, you fuckers!!!!"

[anarky]

I would at least hope they'd give it a tongue-in-cheek admission that they know it's corny, like in Die Hard 2 when McClane says something like, "Dammit! This is what I was doing last Christmas!"

Thing is, Taken seems far more serious than Die Hard, so I don't see it happening.

[RoIIo Tomassi]

Now I'm seeing commercials for Step Up Revolution. One scene looks to have a bunch of guys dancing in black gear and gas masks.


Hm. Awkward.

[anarky]

Does Bourne Legacy count as a pathetic remake of shit?

I just about busted a gut at that "we altered two of your chromosomes" nonsense in the trailer. Whether or not it stars the only decent Hawkeye ever, it looks like a turd that's jumping the shark so hard it went into orbit.

[anarky]

I just saw the second (roughly) half of the Elm Street remake. I turned there out of curiosity to see what they did, and stuck with it to see how they bastardized the end.

Holy shit. That is one fucking awful movie. Haley actually does a decent job as Freddy, albeit a Freddy far more like the New Nightmare version than the original. He's no Robert Englund, but no one is. I think I said before, but making him a child molester is a shitty idea. I don't care what Wes Craven originally intended that the studios shot down 20+ years back. If Freddy had been a pedophile, there would've been no sequels. Because, no matter how it's intended, you wind up liking Freddy more than the kids. He's just a ridiculous villain, and so over-the-top. Freddy is more the Joker than 99% of Joker portrayals--he's going to kill you in some bizarre way while cracking jokes about it.

Tossing in the revenge angle is an equally bad idea. Freddy diddled some kids in a preschool (where he had a fucking weapons lab in his room in the basement that no one noticed--fuck their attempts at making it more realistic, I guess), and their parents killed him. Why not go to the cops? He has a fucking torture chamber in his room! There's no jury that wouldn't send him to hang! So, when all the kids are dead (and the Johnny Depp analogue survives here), which doesn't seem too farfetched as the attempt to kill him in the real world worked just as well as it did in 1984, shouldn't he just, uh, give up, or retire, or something? As corny as the idea of a completely random child killer hacking up anyone under the age of 18 may be, it makes more sense for sequels.

Huge continuity holes and logical issues. So many, I won't bore you with them. Dumb shit like Nancy peeking through a closet door, then backing up behind some clothes, then an exterior shot of her right at the door peeking, then another interior shot establishing that she didn't sneak back up there between shots. Cops have no problem in the end with two wacked-out kids on drugs burning down an abandoned preschool (which had a remarkable amount of crap in it, including a fucking worktable with a fucking razor glove; you'd think they would've cleaned up in the ensuing twelve years)... oh, and they'll find a dead body in the basement, which will be easily proven to be a dude who's been missing (I'm assuming--I didn't see the beginning) for over a decade. Yeah, Nancy, you back at home with the broken arm isn't believable unless your cellmate broke it because you were getting early parole after eight years and she wasn't.

Shot-by-shot recreations of some original scenes, and lines from the original series taken out of context (Freddy now says, "How's this for a wet dream?" when the floor of Nancy's house turns to a pool of blood), just don't work, and remind you of how good the first few movies of the original series were. Oh, and horrible acting from everyone except Rorschach, who, in fairness, probably jumped at the chance to play Freddy and didn't know how shitty the movie is, sorta like George Clooney as Batman.

[anarky]

There was one bit that could've been good--Johnny Depp Lite thinks the kids all made up their accusations about Freddy, and he's seeking revenge for being murdered when he did nothing wrong. If it weren't clumsily confirmed that he was mistaken, that might've been a nice angle if they were changing up things anyway. Take the plunge and end the movie vastly different from the original, with Freddy confirmed to be innocent and now at peace, and all the parents of Springwood (if that was even the name of the town in the remake) in jail. Too bad they're morons.

[Diabolical]

Saw Total Recall yesterday. Thankfully, we do see the 3 boobs.
The rest of the flick ain't bad. It changes it up enough. And there a some cool nods to the original. Watchable and entertaining, but not memorable (except for the 3 boobs).

[RoIIo Tomassi]

Alf?

No. Just..no.