the vynsane asylum

I just received an e-mail from starwars.com. Not sure if you've read it yet, but I haven't seen anyone posting news about this, so you heard it here first.

George Lucas to Change Star Wars Films. . . Again!

San Francisco, CA: George Lucas plans to make further changes to the beloved Star Wars series of films, company representative Steve Sansweet revealed today.

"His kids aren't little anymore," said Sansweet. "He can finally revise these films to more closely match his original vision, without offending his children."

Lucas plans to dramatically alter all six films in chronological order. Sansweet listed several of the planned changes to the prequel trilogy:

Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace

• The Neimoidians will be entirely replaced by topless women.

• The look of Jar Jar Binks will be altered to more closely match the new voice actor, Jack Black. Captain Tarpals will now be portrayed by Richard Pryor, using various clips from his movies and stand-up routine. Boss Nass will be played by Chris Rock. Lucas promises "lots of Gungan profanity." All other Gungans will be replaced by the Swedish Bikini Team.

• Queen Amidala and her handmaidens will now wear bikinis all the time. Although they are underaged in this film and will therefore not be nude, Lucas promises that Sabe and Padme will make out "at least once." Sio Bibble will be replaced by Jennifer Connelley. Sio will now travel to Coruscant with the others and will be prominently featured in a shower scene with Adi Gallia.

• Count Dooku will appear briefly, stealing Diva Shaliqua's costume from Jabba the Hutt. (This will be important in the new version of Attack of the Clones.)

• Aurra Sing will now sport a whale-tail.

Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones

• Corde will be replaced with Sabe. Instead of crying when Padme leaves Coruscant, the two will make passionate lesbian love.

• Approximately fifteen minutes of added footage of the handmaidens and Padme bathing and orally satisfying one another will be added to the first portion of the film.

• Beru Lars will spend the entire Tatooine sequence sunbathing topless. Lucas feels so strongly about this, he has chosen to omit everything else that happens on Tatooine..

• Barriss Offee will wear the same cloak, but will wear only a thong and garter underneath. All of her scenes will be re-shot so that her lovely green breasts are visible. When the Jedi learn that Padme is alive, Barriss will be so happy that the two will make out and lick one another's nipples.

• Count Dooku will force Padme to wear Diva Shaliqua's costume (later to be worn by Leia in Episode VI). She will be forced to pole-dance for the Geonosian assembly.

• Clonetroopers will also be created based upon Scarlett Johanssen's DNA. A sequcne of the Kaminoans inspecting a legion of nude Scarlett clones will be added.

• Bultar Swan will be recast, and now played by that fucking hot Asian Victoria's Secret model. Her Jedi attire will be nothing but white undies with little pink hearts. Lucas promises "at least three" scenes of her topless with Aayla Secura (also topless).

• The entire C-3PO storyline will be cut for time. In it's place, expect a new, 40-minute ending: the consummation of the marriage.

Sounds cool, eh? I'll see if I can dig up some info on changes to the other films.

More news already!

In interviews this week, Ray Park confirmed that his character, Darth Maul, will now refer to his lightsaber as his "pimp cane." He also said that the White Stripes will be re-recording "Augie's Great Municipal Band."

More news already, from an interview with Natalie Portman from aintitmotherfuckingneat.com. The first info on ROTS can be found in the interview, too!

"It's funny," says Portman, "I'd never been with a woman before. But in the re-release of Episode II, I eat more snatch onscreen in two hours than Ellen Degeneres has in her whole life! I really got to love the salty-sweet flavor of Keira, and we get together every couple of weeks now to revisit the experience."

"Honestly, I almost think the audience is going to get tired of seeing my breasts in the new version of Episode III."

"George thought that Anakin's mistrust of the Jedi needed to be fleshed out. So there's a new scene where he walks into the Council Chamber and sees me on all fours, with Kit Fisto pounding me doggystyle while I suck on Mace Windu's dick. And Yoda's jumping around, naked except for a bandit mask, smacking all our butts with a whip and jacking off all over the place."

"I've always been a good girl. But after filming the new scenes [and here she stands up and slaps her behind], consider that ass tapped." (She giggles like a geek.)

It will definitely help ATOC...not that it could get much worse.

ah, fuck! that's pure genius!!!

anarky wrote:...from aintitmotherfuckingneat.com.

this domain is available, and totally awesome. i suggest buying it right away.

You expect me to buy this BS Lucas? I am suprised you didnt stick Sebastian shaws ghost as Anakin in the prequels to keep continuity.

When I heard of more changes, I panicked, but I think these will replace all other editions as the true Definitive Editions. I can't wait for THESE ones to come out in 3D.

whatwouldtylerperrydo.uk is reporting that all the footage of Carrie Fisher "popping out" of the metal bikini will be reinstated into ROTJ, even if the dialogue is totally out of character.

Did she ever pop out of that bikini? She said in multiple interviews that Boba Fett could see everything.

Oh my gosh, that sounds dirty. I don't thing Mr. Lucas is really going to have lots of naked girls in the movies. He said he liked the movies just the way they are. I don't think you should lie about what Mr. Lucas siad he was going to make about the movies. If you don't like the movies, why do watch them so much? I love the movies. I love Darth Vader and Jango Fett! I think if they were going to make a new Sculpt of Darth Vader it would be him in a Jango Fett costume. That would be cool!

I heard that Lucas is going to add a scene of Chewbacca shitting in Shroba Fett's mouth for the next DVD release of "Empire".

Negative Boy wrote:So what was it like having George's fat cock up your ass while you gobbled on Rick's smelly fudgepacker?

It's not as fun as me chopping off your dad's cock and shoving it up your mom's ass.

There is a no room in is mama's as as a me and a Mario are a double parked there already.

Damn-a straight, motherfungools!