I have a very important announcement to make

[Snigtad Flornbi]

I know it's been a while since I posted here, and I feel like I should tell you why. I also owe you an apology for my less-than-stellar behavior over the past several years.

I was engaging in what used to be my typical pastime, sitting outside the Chick-Fil-A at the local mall and spitting spitballs at passing "faggots" (who, of course, were everyone in my eyes), when two police officers approached me. I thought they were planning to arrest me, as they usually did in such situations, so I steeled myself mentally to start sucking their penises (as they typically would let me off with a warning if I did so).

However, the police officers were accompanied by a crying woman, who said, "That's him! Officer, I'd know him anywhere!" I was worried that I had impregnated this woman during a night of depraved sex after consuming too many non-alcoholic beers (which I still believed capable of intoxicating a person). However, she had a photograph of a baby, and she said, "That's my little Robin!"

What followed next was a whirlwind of a cacophony of unbridled chaos. I discovered that I had been kidnapped as an infant by an insane pedophile named Rodger and raised as his own nephew by his inbred family and himself. My real parents were quantum physicists from Yale. It took many weeks, but I slowly learned that many of the things I'd been raised to take as granted were quite atypical--most children, for example, were awakened by an alarm clock and not by surprise action figure sodomy from their supposed sister, and most children were sent to school with a kiss and implicit command to behave and learn, not a kick in the ass and some drunken yells to "beat up them fags!"

I am slowly learning the things that most my age have long ago mastered. Even reading and toilet training were alien to me, but it would appear I am genetically blessed and have been picking up such skills at a much faster rate than my proud parents thought possible.

Although my prior behavior was uncalled for, to say the least, and immature to the point of being horrifying, I must beseech you to find it in your hearts to forgive me. I was not, as they say, in my right mind, but am slowly finding a way to function in society. I hope to be a positive contributor to this forum in the future, if you will allow it.

[Snigtad Flornbi]

HA HA HA APREL FULLS! I CANT BELIEVE U FEL 4 THAT STUPID SHIT!!!

IT IS HARD TO RIGHT LIEK SUCH A MORAN 4 THAT LONG, ITS LIEK I HAVE 2 TURN MY BRANE OFF + PRETEND I'M ROLO TOMASI OR SUMTHING, GOD DAM U R A MORON UR NAMED AFTER A FUCKING CANDY BAR + A A LITTLE CADY BAR AT THAT ITS BE CUZ U HAVE SMALL NUTS. HA HA HA! BURRRRRRRRN!!!!

[Rollo Tomassi]

You're three days late, buttfuck.

[Zaphod]

damn, snigtad, that was a good one. you really got me. i almost believed for a moment you shot spitballs at passersby instead of standing up with a target painted on your bare ass, yelling, "a quarter if you get it in one shot!"

[RoIIo Tomassi]

You're three days late, buttf--oh.

Damn, you (I?) already beat me to it.

[Negative Boy]

You're three days late, buttf--oh.

Damn, you (I?) already beat me to it.

Does that mean you beat yourself? Heh. That's a masturbation joke.

[Tom Foolery]

You're a masturbation joke.

[anarky]

What makes it so effective is that no one expects an April Fool's prank on April 4th.

Particularly not such an unfunny one.