shitmydadsays, textsfromlastnight, ect.

[Diabolical]

Textsfromlastnight.com is great.

Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.

I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today

was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock

thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.

Also stumbled across this twitter account:
Shitmydadsays

I'm 28. I live with my 73-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says

"What are you listening to?...I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It's the mustache guy and the gay man."

"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"

[Slicker]

That texts site is fucking awesome!!! This one is you ALL the way...

Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.

And another good one...

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

[Diabolical]

TFLN:

Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

[vynsane]

shit, those are great finds

[Slicker]

That site no shit makes me wanna get out of the Navy so I can go to college and fine these chicks.

[Diabolical]

TFLN

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.

he told me my vagina needed a tic tac

So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?

SHDS

'You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up."

[Diabolical]

Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.

I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.

Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero

[Slicker]

One for all of us Wings fans:

(248): Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.

[Diabolical]

She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty."

"Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it's not a sack of food, it's a sack of shit."

"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."

[Diabolical]

TFLN

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.

Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?

LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle

.

SMDS

"You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it."

I think the baby shit....Well, I'm smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem."

[Diabolical]

She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

Four minutes until I can fart!

And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.

It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan

bitch so ugly she owes me an erection

i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.

her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.

can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

[anarky]

The Build-A-Bear might be the best one ever. Not because it's got the word "bear" in it, though that is cool. No, because that may be the most ridiculous place to stop on the way home from getting shitfaced drunk at a bar.

[Diabolical]

i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina

Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.

He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying

IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...

I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.

it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in

i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?

i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...

You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

[Diabolical]

smds

"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."

"It's not the gardener's job to pick up the dog shit. If you don't want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening."

Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole."

"A scar ain't 13 god damned stitches. I'll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we'll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together."

[Diabolical]

tfln:

They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me

Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail

Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.

I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.

You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.

is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?

and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...