A very serious question about music

[anarky]

Last night, I watched the Grammys. It's always odd. I like seeing more performances, but I'd like them to actually announce (or have text of, as they used to) more than three awards. And more performances means more garbage. (But not more Garbage, which would be cool.)

Even though I still consider them illegitimate as hell, it was nice to see Coldplay and Alison Krauss & Robert Plant essentially sweep everything. Great performances by both of them, as well as Neil Diamond, the Bo Diddly tribute (why the fuck didn't they tell the audience who Buddy Guy was, since no one can hear him for the first time and not say, "Damn! I want all his records!!"), Paul McCartney, Al Green (so long as you ignored Justin Shitheaderlake), and some chick named Adele, who I'd never heard of. And some typically mediocre stuff that doesn't quite suck, but you can go get a snack during, by the likes of Jennifer Hudson, a bunch of washed-up rappers still doing what they were doing twenty years ago, and some very pregnant woman in a bikini and completely transparent cover-up who went well into "didn't need to see that" territory.

But there were a few "holy shit, do people really listen to this" acts. So I am asking, do people really listen to....

Miley Cyrus: Wow, she just doesn't have any identity aside from what her handlers give her, does she? I've heard her drek before (it's impossible to miss all the commercials she's in), but she had an insanely affected nasal delivery last night. She was indistinguishable from Taylor Swift, who I'm not a big fan of, but admit is pretty talented. I've got a feeling she's going to be just like her dad: unimaginably popular for a very short time, then working at McDonald's almost overnight.

Katy Perry: I'll admit that this isn't the first time I've heard her. I listened to a preview of "I Kissed a Girl" when I saw it on a chart and thought, "Why the fuck would anyone cover a rightfully forgotten novelty song by Jill Sobule?" Wow. She looks nice, but this is prefabrication at its worst. (I think it would've been better if it were a cover.) I don't think she was actually singing last night, just walking around like a drone and yelling, which confirmed my suspicions her voice is a total studio construct. Does she think she's edgy? This song could've shocked the fuck out of people... twenty years ago. As it is, man, this is some really tame shock prefab pop.

Jonas Brothers: Oh man, these guys took the cake. And then they shat on it and were too stupid to know it was ruined and ate it anyway. Dear fucking God in Heaven, I pulled out a five dollar bill, stuck it in an envelope, and addressed it to Stevie Wonder, who clearly is broke if he's performing with these twits. I have seen people pretend to play instruments they're not playing, but never so obviously. Neither the supposed bass player or the supposed guitar player even actually did anything with either hand that would change any chords. Their singing talent was nil, they looked like retarded baboons, and they honestly made the New Kids on the Block seem better by comparison. When they started up the shittiest version of "Superstition" I've ever heard, I almost puked on the floor.

So, are people actually listening to all this shit? Or, as I suspect, is their success related to the fact that Billboard charts are based on store orders and not actual sales (and store buyers are flornbis who buy what the labels tell them to) and radio play, which is a huge pile of payola?

I can be really open-minded about music, even stuff I don't care for, but Miley was the only one with a shred of talent, and even hers was just barely enough to keep her from getting kicked out of a karaoke bar.

[Diabolical]

Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers - 99% the people that like them are under 16.

I couldn't tell you much about Katy Perry or her music (besides I Kissed A Girl), but I'm a big fan of her rack.

[Ran]

Miley Cyrus is the same thing as Hanna Montana, right? My daughter is old enough (7) to know who Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers are, but young enough not to care. She will probably get into the next generation boy band or Hanna Montana clone in the next year or two.

I still have yet to hear a song by Miley Cyrus or the Jonas brothers and I don't know who Katy Perry is. I also couldn't name one Coldplay song, but would probably recognize it if I heard it.

Was that Alison Krauss & Robert Plant thing any good?

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

Didn't Raising Sand come out over a year ago? If so, why was it at this year's awards? I've been meaning to get it but haven't yet.

I don't know if my roommate(s) (I pluralize it since this new kid is fucking attached at the hip to his girlfriend and they're NEVER apart and NEVER in her room or just about anywhere else) like the shitty music you described but they have shitty pedestrian taste in everything from movies to music to TV. I don't like to be a snob about any of that kind of shit but I have to feel like one when they think Dawson's Creek, Dashboard Confessional, and shit like that are actually good and worthwhile. I'll take these guys over the last masturbatory dipshit, but it makes my head hurt.

[anarky]

Ran: Yes, it was very, very good.

JJL: Get the damned thing already.

I got it it on CD the time it came out (being a rare fan of both) and it is amazing as hell. I was also pleased that my daughter didn't care about any of the teenybopper bands, but danced to Plant/Krauss and Al Green. She seems to have better taste than the average toddler; I can tolerate the odd Chipmunk song when she seems to like rock.

I was thinking it had been out for a while longer than it should've been to get nods this year, but that didn't seem to stop U2 winning awards for How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb two years straight. Like I said, totally illegitimate awards.

And, DB, I'm not complaining about her rack. I have a mute button.

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

I've really liked what I've heard from the album so far. I still have a Borders gift card and a Best Buy one that I should use, so I'll get it at one of those the next time I'm there.

[anarky]

I believe Best Buy has it on sale this week. I doubt Borders does. They never put anything on sale.

[Ben Reilly]

I always boycott the Grammys. Actually, I read the results the next day and boycott all the winners. Why? Simple.

In 1971, Martin Luther King won a Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album, some peacenik crap about not bombing chinks in Vietnam or some garbage.

In 1989, his bitch Jesse Jackson won the same Grammy.

In 1994, that other bitch Maya Angelou won the same for her poem about Clinton, and she also won in 1996.

Slick Willie won in 2005, and his gay-marriage husband Hillary has been nominated.

Al Frankenweenie won in 2004.

Jimmy Carter won in 2007 for some propogonda about poisoned peanuts or some shit about the liberal conspiracy.

2009's award went to people who read Al Gore's total lie about global warming.

And guess who won in 2006 AND 2008? Yup, Barack HUSSEIN Osama! Twice!

And how many Grammys have master orators like George W Bush won? Not a single one!

Leftist conspiracy, I tell you. I now plan to burn all the Led Zeppelin albums I have because Robert Plant is obviously a pinko now.

[Diabolical]

And how many Grammys have master orators like George W Bush won? Not a single one!

I hear he's got a couple of Special Olympics medals. They both say "participant" on them.

And in 2003 he won a coloring contest.

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

I believe Best Buy has it on sale this week. I doubt Borders does. They never put anything on sale.

Aye, thanks for the tip! I ordered it online (along with Muse's Black Holes and Revelations, which I can never find anywhere) and still have 79 cents on the giftcard.

[Ben Reilly]

Typically liberal bullshit. You can't say any real criticisms of him, so you insult him, you dumbass.

More evidence:

American patriot Toby Keith has never won a Grammy. Those anti-American sluts the Dixie Chicks have won thirteen.

Kid Rock is an American hero who supports Bush and takes his music seriously. He has been nominated several times, but never won.

Ted Nugent has never been nominated for a Grammy.

Last night, the Jonas Brothers, who strongly stand for their decision to not have sex prior to marriage, a decision we should all be proud of, were defeated by some fat British broad. Hey, liberal morons, why don't you just burn the Declaration of Independents already and become a British state again?

[anarky]

Shuddup.

Ran, I didn't catch your comment earlier, but I can guarantee you that you'd recognize a Coldplay song or two. (I don't feel like linking to any more.)

[Ran]

Ok, the first one is in some commercial, and I've heard "Yellow". The rest all sound pretty much the same. Nothing special.

[Zaphod]

i play snippets of the jonas brothers to lure little girls. then i press stop. they get upset. i say, "bring me a picture of your mom's boobs and i'll finish the song." i've gotten quite a collection over the past few months.

[Senor JabbaJohnL]

i play snippets of the jonas brothers to lure little girls. then i press stop. they get upset. i say, "bring me a picture of your mom's boobs and i'll finish the song." i've gotten quite a collection over the past few months.

Thank you for ending that story less creepily than you started it.