In the wake of a wildly unpopular story in which Spider-Man makes a deal with the devil to end his marriage, Spider-Man will now discover he's gay, Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada said early Tuesday morning.
"This has been the plan all along," Quesada told reporters in a local Krispy Kreme. "We wanted to make our comics more accessible to the undertapped homosexual audience. There have been gay heroes before, but who cares about Northstar and Aquaman? We wanted this to send shockwaves throughout the world as they realize their greatest hero just isn't into girls."
Fans and longtime readers were shocked recently when Peter and his wife Mary Jane made a pact with the devil to dissolve their marriage in order to save Peter's 100-something year old aunt, May, who typically dies six or seven times in any given decade anyway. The next morning, Peter wakes in May's basement to a world in which no one remembers the marriage, though apparently all the stories took place, but somehow they weren't married, and Mary Jane just never noticed Peter leaving the apartment wearing a Spider-Man costume, and Venom has no clue why he wants to eat Spider-Man's brains. Or something. We're confused as hell.
However, Quesada promises this is only the tip of the icecube as far as sweeping changes are concerned.
"Mephisto--who is not really the devil, although he pretends to be and has the same powers--really wanted Peter to acknowledge something he's known since an off-panel incident between himself and Iron Man in the early days of Civil War. Tony Stark was drunk, and kissed Peter. And Peter loved it. He then learned that he liked being a superhero because it meant buff guys in tights would be chasing him a lot.
"However, Spider-Man respected Mary Jane enough that he wouldn't just come out of the closet as long as they were an item. Mephisto saw his chance to make Spider-Man fully embrace his latent homosexuality by dissolving the marriage. He also brought Harry Osborn back from the dead, without his wife or son ever having existed, to provide an obvious lover for Peter.
"He's doing this because he wants Peter to go to hell. I'm a good Catholic boy, and I believe fags burn for all eternity. We may want their money, but they're sick deviants.
"Oh, and Gwen Stacey was really a dude."
In a poll posted on fanboy site newsarama.com five minutes before the press conference, seven trillion votes had already decided that Spider-Man being gay was the worst thing ever of the past three days.
I believe he was banging Nicole Kidman for a while. I'd live the rest of my life looking like that dipwad if I got to pork Dr Chase Meridian's fine, fine body.
Hell, I'd do it if I could just smell her armpits for a second as she shoved past me in line at Dunkin' Donuts.
*--For behavior unbecoming anyone, perpetrated in real time over an extended--AH, FUCK IT! MORE MALIBU, BITCHES!!
