Police found the horribly mutilated body of a vynsane.com forumite in the shadows of the Food forum in the early morning of November 9. The identity of the victim has not been determined.
A cry of "Murder!" was heard from the "What are you eating right now?" thread approximately two hours before the body was found, and a witness claims to have seen a dapper man with a dagger talking with an unidentified forumite just minutes before.
The nose, eyes, ears, intestines, heart, kidneys, and part of the left cheek were removed and arranged around the body in a smiley-face pattern. Also, it looks like someone had his way with the forumite's asshole.
A bloody apron was found on the scene, as well as graffitti that read, "The Juwes are not the men who will be blamed for nothing!"
In addition, an e-mail was received by Grimlock approximately five hours after the victim was found, containing the victim's left kidney as an attachment. The letter reads as follows:
"Dear Mishter Boss,
I keep on hearing the mods have caught me but they wont fix me just yet. I have laughed when they look so clever and talk about being on the right track. Grand work the last job was. I gave the forumite no time to squeal. How can they catch me now. I love my work and want to start again. You will soon hear of me with my funny little games. I saved some of the proper red stuff in a ginger beer bottle over the last job to write with but it went thick like glue and I cant use it. Red-formatted text is fit enough I hope ha. ha. I send you half the Kidne I took from the victam prasarved it for you tother piece I fried and ate it was very nise. I may send you the bloody knif that took it out if you only wate a whil longer,
Keep this letter back till I do a bit more work, then give it out straight. My knife's so nice and sharp I want to get to work right away if I get a chance. You'll hear about Saucy Jacky's work tomorrow double event this time number one squealed a bit couldn't finish straight off. Had not got time to get ears off for police
Catch me when you can Mishter Lusk
Good Luck.
Jack the Ripper
From Hell"
"This is... truly disturbing," said Batman. "Hopefully this... mystery is not as... hard to solve as the murder of Eternal Padawan."
Until the killer is caught, the few remaining members of the Moderator Terror Squad are advising forumites to remain safely in the Toys forum.
Oh shit! Somebody trying to impersonate my baby momma and turn him to the dark side? Hayle no! Double_G, who done been impersonating me? Tell me, and I kick they ass! My boy might be a handful, but don't nobody smack his ass but me!
GADDAMMIT WOMAN! I KNOWN WE SHUDN'A OUGHTTA GOTTEN HIM THAT DAMN NINTENDO X-BOX STATION THINGAMAJIGGIE. NOW HE AIN'T COME OUT OF HIS ROOM FOR DAYS. I THINK HE'S TUGGING ON IT UP THERE.
URGENT NEWS UPDATE!
Details are sketchy, but information has been recieved that the rarely used Sloth Forum has become the crime scene of a grisly multiple murder. Inspector Grimlock is reportedly en route to the scene as we speak, but denied to make an official statement.
"Please. Stay in the toy section like we asked." said interim asst. Moderator Shitpiece. "Erm...my names actually Kup, lady."
One witness reported as saying "There's so much blood, it's 'ard to tell how many people were in there. Could be as many as a dozen. They all look to be young women. And Australian by the looks of 'em..." The witness then threw up all over his shoes.
This news reporter is scared shitless. And I don't even have an anus.
Updates as they happen.
What the hell!?!? "Interim asst. Moderator Shitpiece"? What about that frickin' poll that's been going on? Why not just settle that and let me investigate the murder? I'll interrogate everyone's mothers and they will be sure to tell me who did it.
