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For generations, they have been among the most beloved of children's characters. They represented all that was pure and innocent about childhood. But now, a scandal is developing that may forever change the way we view the Muppets.
Several Muppets have come forth in the past week, following the earth-shattering claims made by Ernie (shortly before his unexplained death, in which his rubber duckie was shoved down his throat) to verify that all was not well on Sesame Street. At least five prominent Muppets have revealed that they were sold into slavery and anally abused for years by none other than Muppets "creator," Jim Henson.
"He always kept his hand shoved up our asses," said the former lover of the late Ernie, Bert Flantdig. "He said if we ever told anyone, he'd fucking shove a rubber duckie down our throats." Fighting back tears, Bert added, "Many of us only became gay because we developed the need to feel something in our asses. It was only later that we developed true feelings. God, I'm going to miss Ernie. I need a drink."
"Kermie and I could never be intimate," said Mrs Piggy-The-Frog about her former husband. "I loved him, I know he loved me, but whenever he'd touch me down there, I'd have flashbacks about Mr Henson, and I'd be reduced to tears and have to lock myself in the bathroom. A frog has needs. I could never satisfy Kermit, and I think that's why he left me for that Jessica Simpson bitch."
Authorities are investigating how prevalent this problem was. According to some sources, Henson regularly shoved his hand up the asses of all the Muppets, as well as hired assistants to shove their hands up the asses of others when his twisted desires demanded he manually penetrate the asses of more than two Muppets at once. It is unclear if the Fraggles and the characters from Labyrinth were abused in such heinous fashion. (Although, given that David Bowie was in Labyrinth, this reporter feels that's a given.)
Over the next few weeks, we at vynsane.com's news team will interview the three Muppets who have filed a gazillion-dollar civil lawsuit against Children's Television Network for allowing Henson to prey in such a disgusting manner on innocent puppets.
