vynsane: For running this shithole, I ought to just take a dump in your chimney. In fact, I think I shall do that. And I'm eating beans every fucking meal between now and Christmas.
Alex Trebek: The answer is "No presents." The correct question is "What is Trebek getting for Christmas?" Burn, bitch. Burn.
Amy: Though you're one of the most fucktarded dames I've ever met, and porking Rupert while he was pretending to be Snigtad is pretty disgusting, I may just reconsider not giving you a present if you can do that thing with your tongue that you did last Christmas Eve. I'll give you a special, creamy present, if you know what I mean.
anarky: Nothing for you, you fat fuck. All you Californians are just fucked in the head.
barbra_Streisand_is_fab: You know what? I don't know who you are. But with a name like that, well, I don't care if you're the fucking Pope, you ain't getting shit.
Batman and Robin: You two let the Batmobile lose its wheel, and the Joker got away. Any crimes he now commits are on your conscience. I don't want to know what "Robin laid an egg" means. And Batman, you stink; take a frigging bath already. No Bat-presents for you this year.
billfremore: I'm tired of looking for you. I had some great gifts, like a Nerf Crotch-Bat Protector, for you a few years ago. But you vanished. Punk-ass. Hiding from Santa qualifies as naughty, motherfucker.
Bizarro The Grin and bIZZARO tHE gRIP: Yeah, every year you ask for the same thing. You want Mrs Claus and me to have a kid so that you can take a few swings at my rectum. Sorry, guys. I got a vasectomy years ago just to keep you sick bitches away from my goods.
Bob Ross: Happy little trees, my ass. I'll give you some happy little trees--with some reindeer shit down your pansy throat.
Boner Mazo: Where the hell are you? Too stupid to put your pants on after screwing your cat? That's what I thought. Dumbass.
Caesar: I used to like your pizza, back when you got two for the price of one. But Papa John's is whipping your ass. If you want my business, you'd better use fresher ingredients.
calamity jane: I used to love checking in on Joanie Stubbs nine or ten times a day to see if she was naughty, and I really, really loved it when she was. Now, every time I do, I see you butt-naked, and that is not something any mortal should have to look upon. This year, I give you only one thing: the historical knowledge that, soon after the events of Deadwood, you will have an illegitimate daughter. That's right, bitch. Say hi to The Grip and The Grin for me.
captain funtime: You ain't getting shit, you lilly-livered son of a bitch. Your wife, however, is going to get a special ride on Santa's sleigh. (And by "ride on Santa's sleigh," I mean I'm going to pork her brains out.)
CaptainSolo1138: I just don't like you. Never have. It's nothing personal. I just think you're a sorry sack of otter jizz.
Condoleeza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld: Because of stupid assholes like you, it's tough for me to deliver presents to the good little boys and girls of Iraq. Last year, I was kidnapped and barely escaped with my life (but, sadly, not my anal virginity). I've already given you your present, Rummy: a fucking pink slip. You're next, Condi.
Darth Vader: Dude, you killed your wife. And she was hot. No presents for you ever again. In fact, if I see you, I'm farting in your oxygen tank.
DeadEye: Natalie Portman personally asked me to not deliver any presents to you as long as you continue to slander her good name by making up stories about sleeping with her. Oh yeah, and then I fucked her.
DeckardSmith: Grow some balls and actually post something, and then maybe we can talk.
Diabolical: Raiding the Toys for Tots bins just to get a few more Clonetroopers to sell to jedi master sal for crack money? That's a new low, even for you.
Doctor Douche: Thank God this stupid shit is dead. I hated buying presents for him. Since he was all talk, I never had an excuse not to give him anything, and all he asked for were bottles of Massengill. Do you know how embarassing it is to hold up the line at Wal-Mart because you need a price check on two dozen bottles of Summer's Eve?
Eternal Padawan: Trying to bootleg Gwen Stefani's music? Shame, shame. If you don't buy the album, she doesn't get paid. How else will she afford another gold-plated jet for Gavin's birthday?
General Zod: Happy Christmas to you, brother. Naughty you have been, but I still won't risk your wrath and am giving you the one thing you crave. I kneel in your presence, Sir.
Giraffe: Why am I bothering? You don't even celebrate Christmas; you're Jewish. I'm sure Hannukah Harry will bring you some nice socks. (Ho ho ho ho!)
Grimlock: I actually would give you a present, even though I don't like you, since your naughtiness this year wasn't your fault. But I don't know where that stupid island is, and I'll be damned if I'm asking directions for the likes of you. So rot in your tropical paradise. Fucking Gobot.
homeless man: If all you want is the soiled reindeer blankets again this year, then you're getting what you want.
Jeff Probst: I don't watch your show. But it's on before CSI, so sometimes I catch the end. And, you know what? It blows.
jjreason: You live in my neighborhood up here in the great frozen north, and I'm still pissed that your wife's pumpkin pie beat Mrs Claus's in the Labour Day Bakeoff. So guess what you get? If you said, "Jackshit," then you're right! And what do you win? That's right: jackshit!
John Madden: I'm not giving you presents, because you're naughty, and that's what Santa Claus does if you're naughty, he doesn't give you presents. So suck it.
kidhuman: I'm totally fed up with stopping in to deliver your presents and stepping in dog shit, only to find out later that it's your shit because you're too goddamned lazy to go to the toilet. So have a good time this Christmas, fucking yourself.
O. J. Simpson: Sorry, OJ. Once again, your stellar football career and beautiful acting in the Naked Gun movies does not overshadow the fact that you are not only a knife murderer, but a liar as well. These are both very naughty things to be. I could maybe overlook one or the other, but not both.
pyrofreak: You're still on my shit-list for trying to rape Blitzen.
Richard Simmons: While your intentions are good, it definitely qualifies as "naughty" to dress up a bunch of fat old ladies in spandex, make them sweat to "Louie Louie," and then unleash videos of the proceedings upon an unsuspecting public. You are truly a sick son of a bitch.
Rob Liefeld: Fucking thief. I've got a special kick in the candy cane for you. I'm still pissed about that stupid "Santa the Barbarian" shit. Original, talentless motherfucker.
Rogue II: You said you don't like Ashton Kutcher. I love Ashton. That boy is a genius. Have you actually watched Dude, Where's My Car? You obviously have no taste. So go fuck yourself in the happy land of No-Presentsville!
Rosie: You were always such a good girl. But I can't overlook what you and Angus Young did on January 12, 2006. Disgusting. The Kennedy Center will never be the same.
Rupert "Dell Rusk" Grint: You not only held the entire forum hostage, but you destroyed the "Untapped Boobie Source" thread and stooped so low as to impersonate the likes of Snigtad Flornbi. Truly despicable, you daft cunt. I'm working some special Christmas magic so that, on December 25, you will walk in on Emma getting some special holiday cheer from Daniel Radcliffe and his big fucking johnson. The cries of her screaming his name like she was a two-bit whore will never leave your ears, Rupert. I promise you that.
Senor JabbaJohnL: You're too young to be cursing and looking at titties. Until you're 18, that qualifies as naughty, motherfucker.
Slicker: You think I don't know it was you who opened the gate and let pyrofreak into the reindeer pen and waited outside with a camcorder? Fat chance. Suck my balls, Dicker, because that's all I'm giving you this year.
Slicker's Mom: Nothing for you this year, I'm afraid. It's not that you've done anything wrong, but, the last time I visited, the stench emanating from your crotch made Rudolph sick for a month!
Slimmie: I know when you're awake, and I see you when you're sleeping. For God's sake, put some damned pants on! I don't want to see that shit.
Snigtad Flornbi: I promised the doctor not to even think about you, because every time I do, the sheer naughtiness and stupidity gives me a heart attack. But, this year, you've been especially bad, so I'll make an exception. How about I stick my foot so far up your ass, you taste shitty boot for a month? That sounds pretty apropos.
Starscream: You killed Megatron. I liked Megatron. No one was as thoroughly naughty as Megatron. So enjoy the lumps of coal. I ought to shove them up your exhaust pipe, Deceptifaggot.
peaches: I know you were third assistant to the key grip's shoe repairman on The Santa Clause. That movie sucked. It was insulting to abstract personifications everywhere. Imagine, Tim Allen as me? Until the defamation lawsuit is cleared up, rest assured that you ain't getting jackshit.
The Cow: Yeah, mislead a whole planet of fucking pussies into believing you're a god named Da-Iry. You could've told them it was just fucking milk and they can pick it up at the supermarket. But, noooooo, you wanted a free trip into space and to be worshipped like a god. I've got a good mind to barbecue your naughty ass at my Fourth of July picnic.
The Ghost of Lemmys Warts, The Goat, and The Grin: I get you sons of bitches confused. One of you was naughty, and ate my fucking cans. I'm not sure which, but that means none of you get shit.
The Grip: Don't you know I've got a copyright on the "Ho ho ho" bit? You're getting nothing but a subpoena from my attorney. Bitch.
Tycho: I tried to read your 70-page wish list, but I was bored to tears. How about I give you a false present instead, shithead?
Zero and zombie: What, you stupid bitches steal your names from the Smashing Pumpkins and the Cranberries? You could've at least called yourselves Spoonman and Lithium. You'd still be wannabe posers, but at least your names wouldn't be stolen from the two gayest bands of the '90s.
mabudon: You can have whatever you want. "Vengeance Tiger" is the funniest damned shit I've ever seen. I've gone through about fifty joints watching that, and it gets better every time.
to you.
I HAVE YOU NOW! 
