the vynsane asylum

Chuck Norris does the same thing all the time. Gets stuff sent in his name to fake addresses. Anything from Chuck come across your desk lately?

This new engineer I work with is kind of wierd, even for an engineer. In college he supposedly earned the nickname "Dirty Dan." None of the women in our office can stand him because he creeps them out. He's the kind of guy that will keep talking to you, even if you are not paying attention.

Yesterday, there were 3 of us standing around talking to something, when he lifts one of his arms and sniffs his armpit. He then asks, "Do you guys have a dominant armpit? My right arm sweats more than my left one."

I haven't heard it myself, but he has been quoted saying "I'm going to take the Browns to the Super Bowl" as code for taking a dump. Only he laughs at his own joke while everyone else just looks at him.

Okay, two more, neither earthshattering, but both mildly amusing.

First, she's pissed that "foreigners" dared translate "The Star-Spangled Banner." This is one that I never figured out. What the fuck does it matter? Some people are fucking retarded. But, again, who the fuck cares? That in itself isn't at all funny.

Anyway, what makes it funny is that she said, "Charles Keane wrote that not to be plaigiarized but to be our national anthem!"

Why's that funny? Do even a bit of research and you'll find A) Frances Scott Key wrote "The Star-Spangled Banner," B) it was many years later that it became our national anthem, and C) Key wasn't into writing melodies so he borrowed (ie, plaigiarized, if you want to get into it) the tune from an old English (or was it Irish?) drinking song.

Second, she's complaining about this guy who was arrested for starting the massive wildfire in southern Cali last week. Why? He's obviously wrongfully accused! He has a rock-solid alibi; he was at home with his baby, his wife, his sister, the neighbors, and his boss. (First I've heard of that.) He'd been convicted of two arson fires years ago, and they're trying to rush to bring someone to justice.

Again, stupid factual errors. He has no alibi. He's never been convicted of arson, though he was under investigation for starting several fires over th past year in exactly the same place as last week's.

What's really ridiculous about that--she says it as she's reading HER newspaper. I don't know if the part of the brain that deciphers letters isn't working, or she's such a pathological liar she felt the need to lie even about a newspaper that anyone could read over her shoulder.

For Christmas, you should buy her a book of Aesop's Fables and replace Aesop with her name.

Oh, I've got a doozy today! This isn't a lie, but requires a level of stupidity so extreme that I'm not sure how she has enough cognitive ability to recognize the need to go to the bathroom rather than just sit and shit herself and ask someone to change her diaper.

At precisely 11:27 AM, a dude came in the office who's been on a business trip to Scotland. Another lady (Slicker's Mom's apprentice, though it's not particularly important) said, "Good afternoon." (I doubt this was stupidity, but just her being slightly off on the time.)

To which he replied, "Good morning!"

Snigtad's Mom said, "Oh, I guess you're still on Scotland time."

He said, "No, it's still morning here."

She looked at the clock and said, "Oh, I guess it is still morning for three minutes. It's not 11:30 yet."

I couldn't resist and said, "11:30? It's morning until noon."

She proceeded to argue against this undisputable fact! "No, it's morning until 11:30. 11:31 is afternoon."

I was so shocked by this mindblowingly moronic statement, I forgot momentarily her, shall we say, distinctive mental issues. "I've never, ever heard that before. What are you basing that on?"

"It's always been that way! It's morning until 11:30, and then 11:31 to 5 is afternoon!"

I still cannot wrap my mind around how someone can be so incredibly fucking vacant in the head as to think that AFTERnoon can start BEFORE noon!!

Well, if she wasnt hit by Brian Urlacher this weekend. Although it is quite possible she is going by what time breakfast is served at you local McDonalds

Holy shit, that is great.

This bitch is fucking amazing. I'd love to work with her. I have this problem of just saying things out loud from across the room about certain people. They rarely know I'm talkin about them but it makes me feel better.

By the way, did y'all know that Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and Mission Impossible 4 are coming out in time for Christmas?

Also, I starting posting the following earlier, and hit the poorly placed "Go" button in fucking Explorer and wiped out my post. I called her on some BS earlier, and, just like my stupid brother, she didn't even realize she'd been called and kept digging the shithole deeper and deeper.

Earlier, totally out of the blue, she told me I should get rid of all Swiffer products. Apparently, she'd read an e-mail that it contained a chemical that's "one molecule away from antifreeze" and it's instantly fatal to pets and small children. But somehow, they can't bring a class action lawsuit.

Now, I done did had me one o' them thar chemistry classes back when I were in high school, and 'nother one of them wacky classes in the college. So instantly I'm thinking, "Dude, 'one molecule away' means nothing! If it did, we'd be dead, because 75% of our bodies are water and water's one molecule away from hydrogen peroxide, which is really bad stuff to drink."

So immediately I look up "Swiffer" on snopes.com, which has an article discrediting this rumor, along with a newspaper story citation, a link to a Proctor & Gamble page specifically discrediting the rumor, and an ASPCA page which, again, specifically discredits the rumor.

So I say, "Okay, I'm not saying I doubt you, but where did you hear this?"

"[So-and-so] sent me an e-mail about it. She probably still has it, if you want me to have her send it to you?"

"No, that's okay. The reason I ask is I'm looking at snopes.com, which is a reliable resource for proving or disproving rumors, and they address this one. It's an e-mail rumor that began in 2004 and it says it's untrue."

"Well, I heard it on the news. You'd better get rid of any Swiffer products, because you don't want anything to happen to your little one."

"I'm just wondering where this originated, because I've got two different stories here. Obviously, it can't be totally safe and deadly at the same time. Here, here's a page on the Procter & Gamble website that specifically addresses the rumor and says it's untrue, that all their products undergo rigorous safety testing."

"Of course they're going to lie about it!"

"Why? I doubt they'd knowingly release any products that are dangerous, because it'd be asking for some serious trouble. And if they released it not knowing it's dangerous, wouldn't they just recall it?"

[Panicked look] "I saw it on 20/20! They said hundreds of pets have died, and several small children. They've got a huge wrongful death suit against them." [By the way, I checked 20/20 and looked up news stories on such a lawsuit. No dice.]

"And here's a page from the ASPCA. Why would they lie about this to cover it up?"

"My vet told me! They're the big animal hospital over off [I forget where the hell she said, because I don't really give a rat's balls], and they take care of my birds and all the wild buffalo! This came directly from the Food and Drug Administration!"

Now, seriously, is it just me, or is the random thing about wild buffalo (especially in a state with none) even funnier than the rest of this horseshit?

Fuck me with a broom handle!!

While I was writing the last post, she says, again totally out of the blue: "You'll never guess who I went to junior high school with. The guy who played Eddie Munster!"

Let's do a little math here.

Butch "Eddie Munster" Patrick was born in 1953. This would put him in junior high school sometime around 1965-1968.

The Munsters ran from 1964 to 1966.

If she were in junior high school at the same time as Butch Patrick, this would put her in college (assuming she attended immediately after graduation) around 1971 at the earliest.

You'll recall that she said she dated Gene Roddenberry in college. Roddenberry lived from 1921 to 1991. Star Trek ran from 1966-1969. He'd been working in television for about ten years when it began.

Now, call me totally and completely insane here, but I rather doubt Roddenberry went to college at the age of 50, after producing his crowning achievement, for the sole purpose of picking up girls.

anarky wrote:Now, call me totally and completely insane here, but I rather doubt Roddenberry went to college at the age of 50, after producing his crowning achievement, for the sole purpose of picking up girls.

i see no evidence supporting this theory. if YOU had created star trek, wouldn't YOU go back to college to pick up girls?

If I created Star Trek, I wouldn't need to go to college to score all sorts of mad bitches.

She's insane.

F'rinstance, I had to copy a company video DVD earlier, as I'm the lucky fellow with a DVD burner. I made an idle comment that it took a lot longer to do a straight copy of a DVD than a CD. She told me that the computer had to translate everything to Spanish and back to English. I checked. She wasn't kidding. (Meaning I verified that she honestly believed that, not that the computer had to do that wackiness, so shut up, Slicker.)

Also, she just found a penny on the ground in the parking lot. She was so excited, she made a point to show everyone and tell them about it. I am not kidding. I swear to you. As much as I honestly wish I could come up with shit this wacky, I am not making this up.

to spanish and then BACK to english! of course! no wonder it takes so long!

awesome. but this is the type of person that supplies you with TONS of great stories, so keep working there, and keep posting them!

More fun here. This isn't any of the folks I've talked about so far. I was asked by my boss to coordinate sending logos for a bus bench advertisement. This is a textbook case of "I can't read":

Me wrote:Mr [Dude],

I've been asked by [my boss] to forward a copy of our logo to you for the bus bench advertisement. Can you please advise me as to what file format would be best for you, and I will send this to you immediately.

Thank you,
--
[anarky]

Mr Dude wrote:Hi [anarky],

You forgot to attach the logos.

[Mr Dude]

Uh, duh. What part of "Tell me what fucking format and I'll send it" does the guy not get? Man, I get this sort of shit all day.