shitmydadsays, textsfromlastnight, ect.

[Diabolical]

He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess

There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.

we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.

you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

[Slicker]

This had me laughing out loud to myself:

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

[Slicker]

I've gotta either quit a) getting blowjobs or b) talking about Star Wars during said blowjobs...

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.