the vynsane asylum

What does it matter? You're dead, dipshit! Ha ha ha ha ha! Didn't see THAT coming, did you?

Hasbro, let's be frank. You're doing a shitload of EU now. You guys said at Comic Con that you were finally going to start giving us a proper amount of Ewoks. You've done Star Tours in the past. And now you're doing an absolutely mind-boggling number of Disney exclusives now. So why the hell won't you put a fucking Teek figure in the mix somewhere, seeing as how a small number of possibly insane people ask for him constantly?

For that matter, since he appears in the safety video with Teek, have you considered that Star Tours would be a great avenue to re-release the incredibly rare Ree-Yees figure?

Fuck Teek because he isn't a clonetrooper. Ree-yees? Well, no one voted for him in the fan's choice legends poll so obviously no one would buy it. If you want Ree-Yees so bad, why don't you see if one of the other little faggots on your stupid website, like Rogue II or someone, have one.

I've been to several different Targets and Wal-marts over the past 2 weeks. I can't help but notice there aren't any Transformers or 25th Anniversary GI Joes. Also, I haven't seen Wave 4 of the SW TAC and only part of the Wave 2 Legends. Where the heck are the new toys?

We're saving them all for the Christmas season, so everyone has roughly $80,000 worth of toys to buy over the span of one month. Have fun!

How do you determine whether or not an EU character is "important" enough to warrant a figure? On a related note, why is Jaxxon not important enough, but Darth Vader from a dream sequence in a "what-if" story is?

It is much easier to slop a new coat of paint on an old sculpt and sell it to suckers like you than actually create something new. (look for purple, green, and orange Vaders in 2008!)

Does this new Tycho figure have a lightsaber hilt that you can hide in a hole in his butt?

No, just a dildo.

So now my wave 5 from EE is delayed and I still haven't seen wave 4 in stores. Where the fuck are they?

We made the figures, shipping and distribution isn't our problem. But since you have cash to burn, why don't you go buy some Battle Packs or Legends figures while you are waiting.

Any chance you will make some of the human characters from any of the Transformer series? No, I won't buy them, I was just wondering.

You will see he human figures cross over into the Star Wars and LPS lines.


So, about to admit the Legends line is a worthless idea?

Never! We'll go to our graves trying to convince everyone it's the best idea ever! In fact, to prove how great an idea is, we're actually phasing out new figures next year in favor of Legends! This will continue to 2018.

Did you put some hallucinogenic drug on the Infinities Leia to make people not see how much ass she sucks? And are the residual fumes getting on the Vader in the same pack so that people don't see that it's just another fucking Vader?

If you LICK the Vader and wait a few minutes, I'm sure you'll discover that it's the very first Vader we've ever made ever. Wait about seven to ten minutes before coming to this conclusion. That's how long it takes for the shit to kick in.


I saw this really cool ad in the back of Toyfare that had your F.A. Captain America and Bucky fighting about a hundred HYDRA agents and the tagline was something along the lines of "Build your own diorama." Which kinda implies that we, as collectors, will be able to find more than one HYDRA agent. Don't you think that is malicious and misleading considering your track record with distributing Hasbro Marvel Legends thus far? And where's my ZERO Legend, bitches?

The Hydra Soldier will be packed in future cases with upcoming waves, but with the same piece of the Brood Queen. That way, when you can't find, say, African-American Punisher, you can use a piece of the Brood Queen to substitute on Krakoa.

Why are people getting excited about Grievous' starfighter? You know and I know that it's going to suck ass. How have you convinced others that it won't?

We intentionally show a glimpse of brilliance in each of our products just to keep all of the fanboys' hopes up. By the way, good luck trying to fit Grevious in the ship. You have to pose him just right.

I finally found the Legends Boba Fett, which is a re-release of the VOTC version. His backpack doesn't stay on very well and his waist is loose. I've had similar problems with other figures. Why isn't your quality control people checking for these things before you release them?

We wanted the movie-style Boba Fett figure to match up with his Ralph McQuarrie counterpart.

Speaking of this sort of shit, why in God's name did you make another fucking Jabba's Palace Luke instead of a DSII one? And, why is he wearing a dickie?

He's not wearing a dickie! We make these figures for kids, you perve--wait, Johnson is telling me a "dickie" is a type of shirt? Oh. Uh, sorry for having my mind in the gutter. The reason we made a new Luke is because this time we gave him a massive bone. Hope you guys like his massive bone. Hee hee hee.

You subcontracted the 12" line to Sideshow because you couldn't produce figures of decent-enough quality. And you're now in negotiations to subcontract making 3.75"-scale playsets to Sideshow as well. I'm just wondering why one of the two largest toy companies in the world can't make fucking large figures or playsets? Given the size and scope of your toy company, doesn't this sort of make you ashamed?

Its not that we can't do it, we don't want to deal with Star Wars fans anymore. They are a persistant bunch. They bought all of our Darth Vaders, tuffed it out through re-release after re-release of the same crappy figures, gobbled up every sucky Luke. And we have the rights for another 11 years. So, by subing out these other lines, we can still make money from these idiots without having to listen to their bitching, whining, and complaining. Its a great situation.

Right now, my plan is to quit collecting Star Wars at the end of this year. Give me one reason why I should continue in 2008.

You'll miss an all-new Xizor figure! Seriously! You don't want that, do you?

Hasbro, seriously: a third Xizor? A third fucking Xizor? What the fuck is wrong with you morons? Or is this a joke? If it is, it's not particularly funny.