On a trip to service the mothers of England in 1980, I met the mother of a drummer from some progressive rock band. Her son was due back from a concert tour, but she decided to be with me and cancelled their plans. She gave him some line about playing cribbage at a friend's house.
So, I'm giving this Mrs. Collins what she needs right there on the dining room table. I had unleashed my rah-rah juice onto her ta-tas when someone bursts in through the front door. "Phil!?!?" she says, "What are you doing here? Why didn't you knock?"
Her son says, "You can wipe off that Grin, I know where you've been. Its all been a pack of lies!"
I said, "Look, I'm a busy man. Tonight was your mother's turn. Now run along and enjoy your fame. It's just a matter of time before you're some balding middle-aged fool putting out crappy music."
Supposedly this guy went on and to write a very successful song about the encounter and there were various urban legends regarding what the song was really about.
The Grip and I weren't always world famous mother lovers. We used to have to work to get the mothers in the sack.
Sometimes on weekends we would hang out at a local soccer field. Plenty of kids means lots of moms on the sidelines. The Grip would get sit in the first row of bleachers and I'd sit on the side. We'd pretend to watch the game, but we were really listening to all the conversations. Eventually, two of the mothers would start talking about their groinocoligists. They would complain about breast exams or the stirrups or something. That's when we made our move. I'd approach The Grip would pretend to be gynecologists and we'd have a loud conversation. I would apologize for being late to the game because of a patient. The mothers, who probably had one or two to alleviate the boredom of the soccer game, would hear our conversation, and they'd approach us. They would ask us if they could get a business card, but I offered to take them to my van and give them an on the spot free exam.
After she got undressed, I'd examine her breasts. Rubbing and squeezing. This one mother was so hot, I couldn't resist....I buried my face between her knockers and started motorboating! She jumped back and asked "What the hell was that?" I grinned and said "Sonogram."
There was this one time I was hanging out in the lobby of a gynecologist's office. Plenty of mothers there. After banging a couple mothers in the bathroom, I decided to break for lunch. I opened a can of tuna and started chowing down. A couple minutes later, the doctor comes running into the waiting room. He looks at me and says, "Oh thank God, it is just you."
How do you have sex with all those mothers?
Ashton in Hollywood
Well, a lot of them like missionary. Some like getting it from behind (like Sarah Palin). Sometimes I just get a blowjob. And, the rest get the old reverse cowgirl. There is more, but I don't have enough time to quote the entire Kama Sutra.
Did you have anything to do with that screw ups of either the National Anthem or half-time show at the Super Bowl?
Will.I.Am
Ok, I admit it. I fucked Christina Aguilera silly before the game, so she had trouble with the lyrics. The half time show wasn't my fault. You might want to ask Bizarro The Grin.
Back in the summer of 1962, I was hanging out with Frank Sinatra, John Kennedy and a few others. John had finally decided to take a break from planning the space program. A young Paul Anka asked us how we can make sweet love to so many mothers. Frank, John, and I looked at each other and they both nodded to me. I said, "We fuck these mothers not because they are easy, but because we are hard."
You've seen those charts that show the nine D&D alignments, using characters from various sci-fi or fantasy franchises? I made this just so I can classify your mothers.
Shaved Tight: Antropov's mom
Shaved Experienced: Britney Spears
Shaved Loose: Double G's mom
Trimmed Tight: JJL's mom
Trimmed Experienced: Jennifer Connelly
Trimmed Loose: Courtney Love
Natural Tight: Hillary Clinton
Natural Experienced: Snigtad's mom
Natural Loose: Slicker's mom
