Around-the-clock vynsane.com Royal Wedding Coverage!

[Newsbot]

Psyche!!!

vynsane.com is proud to be the only news outlet on Earth not focusing on this event that no one except William and Whatsherface's families should give a third of a shit about.

"Ooooh, he kissed her! How wonderful." News flash: he's been tapping that ass for months at least, so what's the big deal about some half-human troll kissing a hot chick live in front of a few billion people?

[anarky]

I can't wait for the inevitable royal divorce when William walks in on Kate and Carrot Top, and she says, "Sorry, I just had to know what it was like to be with someone not as ugly as you."

[Negative Boy]

If you're wondering why the bride was walking around in semi sort of dazed stupor with a smile on her face during the entire thing, it's because her sister Pippa threw her a debauchery party last night. Knowing she was going to spend the rest of her life with the same boring guy, she wanted to experience the sort of depraved ravishings she'd never know again all in one night of unfettered sex. So Pippa invited a bunch of guys up to Kate's suite last night. There were a couple movie stars, one of them was named Colin something, the other was a guy I recognize from some American action films, but I'm pretty sure he was a poof because late into the evening he was smoking as much pole as Kate was. There was a beefy plumber from Edinburgh, and a really hairy garbage collector from South London, a black soccer player (he called it football, but he plays soccer), a royal guard (or at least a guy wearing a guards uniform, he couldv'e been a stripper for all I know, a French Algerian DJ, a few other guys, as well as a few of Pippa's hot college roommates, and myself.
Why was I there? Well, as it turns out, I was in Edinburgh about a year ago on business and met this perky young brunette in the Hotel. She thought she could outdrink me and we both got hammered on tequila and she gave me one of the greatest blowjobs I've ever received. I mean just spitting and slobbering all over my dick and finger fucking and moaning to herself at the same time. Fantastic. I found out her name was Pippa. Anyway, she had remembered me from before and invited to me along with all these other fellows to gang bang her sister.
Kate greeted everybody at the door wearing nothing but a string of pearls and high heels. She was already fairly blitzed when we got there. Her sister had been plying her with alcohol to loosen her up. To begin with the two Actor chaps fingercuffed her. That had been Kate's request to have a menage with these two assholes. And she soccer chap, she had begged to have that guy's dick in her ass. But the rest of us were there to just wreck her. Pippa wanted the fat plumber to just hammer her sister's ass into submission. The rest of us kept busy with Pippa's friends until it was our turn to go over and fuck Kate.
By the time I got to her she was so hammered and covered with all kinds of cum matted into her hair and drying on her face, I wasn't sure where I could do the most damage. She wanted me in her ass, but that was looking like pie tin at that point. I ended up turning her over and fucking her twat panda style while she got cockslapped in the face by the DJ fellow. Also, just to be different I creampied her instead of pulling out and shotting more jizz in her hair, which was looking like a sculpture at this point. So instead I shot my load all up inside her, so don't surprised when she has a kid in nine months if it looks like me.
As the evening progressed we all did all manner of depraved shit to those girls and they were laughing and begging for more. I swear, english girls are the biggest sluts. At one point, I got out my camera phone and took a really great picture of the future Queen of England eating out her baby sister's asshole while Pippa choked on my dick, and the hairy garbage collector guy was pounding Kate's ass for like the twentieth time that evening. But the lighting was all wrong and you can't make out who it is in the picture I'm sorry to say. It's like two random brunettes in the picture. It could be anybody.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure the Duchess of Cambridge got it all out of her system because we dominated that bitch.

Pippa on the other hand, is up for some more dirty fun the next time I'm in the U.K. Saucy little minx.

[Zaphod]

hey, nb, i was invited to that party! had my plane tickets and everything. but i heard about three hours before i had to get on the plane that martha plimpton was shitfaced at a party across town from the airport and fucking all comers. i wasn't sure i could still get to the airport in time, but i weighed the options in my mind: night of wild sex with the future queen of england, or night of wild sex with the chick from the goonies? fuck, man, this was obviously a no-brainer. it didn't matter that she was the fugly one, i could just say "i fucked the chick from the goonies" and everyone would assume it was kerri green and be jealous to no end.

anyway, i got to the room at the motel 6 where the party was, and no one else seemed to be willing to take her up on her offer. "please, someone fuck me!" she was yelling. "i haven't had sex since i was 16 and gave my little brother 50 bucks!" so, hell, what would you do? someone had a goonies movie poster they'd brought to get autographed, so i punched them, cut kerri green's face out, taped it to a paper bag, and stuck it over martha's head. then i fucked that bitch silly. i pounded her ass, she couldn't sit down because of the bruising. a few minutes before busting my third nutt, my alarm went off that i was late for the airport. but really her pussy was addictive like crack, and i only stopped fucking when i finally passed out from exhaustion 6 or 7 hours later. when i woke up the next morning there was a note on the pillow that said "dear zaphod, last night was amazing, but i can never see you again or i'll spend every waking moment fucking you and my boss at the piggly wiggly would be pissed when i didn't show up to collect the shopping carts."

so in short i couldn't go to the party with kate because i was fucking the chick from goonies all night long. i'll leave it up to you to assume it was kerri green and be really fucking jealous and probably commit suicide.

[anarky]

You guys are sick fucks.

But I was invited to both parties, too. I passed because I'm happily married.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Martha Plimpton doesn't work at Piggly-Wiggly. She's on a Fox sitcom called Raising Hope which is actually pretty funny. So whoever you fucked lied to you and convinced you she was Plimpton.


And who hasn't fucked Pippa Middleton? That chick has more cum in her than the porta potties at a USO show. SenorJabba's even managed to nail her. He was rubbing one out and she accidentally got to close.

[Zaphod]

dammit, i got it backwards. it was kerri green i fucked last night so i could convince everyone i was lucky enough to nail martha plimpton. how stupid of me!

[Rollo Tomassi]

dammit, i got it backwards. it was kerri green i fucked last night so i could convince everyone i was lucky enough to nail martha plimpton. how stupid of me!

It's an honest mistake. Especially when you have a bag over their head.

[Sam I Am]

For Zaphod I have a surprise.
I hope you enjoyed my Martha Plimpton disguise.

We banged all night in that Motel 6
We rode all night on each other's dicks.

What would Kerri Green think
If she saw what we did upon the sink

[Sam I Am]

I thought you knew it was me for certain
when I wiped my cock off on the curtain

Or when we drained each other's balls
up and down the hotel halls

Then we washed our cocks free of stool
In the heated motel pool.

[anarky]

All the weirdos are making this thread that Newsbot probably intended as a throwaway gag so much more interesting than the actual wedding.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Much like Pippa upstaged her sister by going commando in that slinky white bridesmaid dress.

If I took anything away from the footage I saw today, it was Pippa's scrumptious kiester. If NB is to be believed, I can see why Kate would've dined on it the night before.

Also, I heard on the news that an estimated 2 BILLION people watched it on TV. What. The. Fuck. That's one out of every three people on the entire planet. One. In. Three. On the ENTIRE PLANET. That's fucking ludicrous.

[jjreason]

Mmmmm.... Pippa.

[Zaphod]

sam, you must be retarded. that was the night before, and at the hilton! i actually heard about kerri green being at the motel 6 when i was bragging to some friends the next day. really, sam, did you think i could forget answering an ad on craigslist for "swm who's into experimentation wanted for sex party with gbm. must bring own martha plimpton costume to match mine so we can really fuck with everyone's minds. will pay handsomely."? come on, sam, how could i forget the easiest twelve bucks i ever made?

[anarky]

Alex, I'll take "Mental Images I Did Not Want" for $200.