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Twiki. Zero. billfremore. This reporter. What do we all have in common?
We are robots from the future. And, though we hail from different eras in divergent timestreams, all our futures are scarred by one heinous act of violence: The Douche Cyberwar.
Historical records from the Douche Cyberwar are almost nonexistent. Archeologists have been able to piece together some details, however. We know, for instance, that the war stretched on for an unbelievable six hundred years, the Earth was reduced to a five-square mile patch of burnt asteroid, mankind was almost entirely eradicated in the crossfire, and that the secret recipe for KFC chicken was lost, which may be the greatest tragedy of all, since none of us in the future can enjoy the scrumptious KFC bowls that the ancient writings from the 21st century rave on about.
Future societies have determined that, though the seeds had been planted in the infighting amongst the various factions of followers of the late Doctor Douche (who died in mysterious circumstances on his way to his home planet), the impetus for the Douche Cyberwar occurred at 8:47 PM EST on October 15, 2008. During a presidential debate, John McCain made good on his word to "kick Obama's you-know-what." Taken off-guard by violence in such an austere environment, his rival, Barack Obama, is reported to have said (after spitting out several teeth), "John, I'm a lover, not a fighter. Take a look." He then dropped his pants, exposing his big, black dick. McCain and Obama then engaged in a game of "my dick is bigger than yours," waving their cocks around like Flornbis. Obama's running mate, Joe Biden, reportedly then said, "I picked the wrong night to stop sucking dick," and leapt onto the stage, taking all 2&1/2 inches of McCain's knob in his mouth. The force of the suction killed McCain instantly.
Only Sarah Palin, who was busy watching a rerun of The Biggest Loser, came out unscathed. On election day, voters turned out en masse, reportedly saying in exit polls that Palin had done nothing worse than try to fire a guy and lie about it, which wasn't nearly as bad as what Obama and Biden had done. She was elected President, along with her new running mate, singer Lee Greenwood, who was chosen because he was proud to be an American.
What happened next is a mystery. Some say Palin was impeached when she blew an intern named Mark Lewinsky in the Oval Office, allowing Greenwood to take power and attempt to use the power of the Ark of the Covenant to finance a beach resort in Iran. Others say that Michael Moore grew insane with the sheer amount of material Palin provided and, being a douchebag already, decided to take on the persona of the greatest douche of all time, Doctor Douche himself. And there are others who think that the American press grew quickly tired of Secretary of Homeland Security Grimlock's insistence that they describe sexual assault without using the word "rape" and violently revolted. Still others say the French invaded and, shocked by a show of force by these spineless bastards, the US immediately surrendered. But these are stories made up by Miss Miller's second grade class just last week, and probably aren't accurate.
All that's known for sure is this: Palin was powerless to stop the ascendancy of someone using the identity of the late Doctor Douche, and the conflict would've been largely bloodless had not Michael Bay attempted to direct a Hollywood blockbuster while the war was still going on. This escalated the hostilities until even Switzerland was involved. And when they're involved, there's some bigtime shit going down. Soon, the cybernetic wire service Skyreuters had taken over the Earth and wiped out over 99% of humanity.
This reporter was sent to the past--your present--with one mission: become a bigtime reporter for vynsane.com, the greatest and most accurate news source of the 21st century, and report on this story at such a time that both McCain and Obama will read it and know not to engage in their shenanigans during the debate. In doing so, it is hoped that the Douche Cyberwar may be prevented. One day prior to the debate is ideal, as it's far enough in advance for them to change their strategies, yet not so far before that their short attention spans might forget this lesson.
Actually, I had two missions: I also had to stand in for Katie Couric to determine whether the rumors about Palin were true. My friends, they were understated. How the hell can you not remember the name of one fucking newspaper?
However, this could possibly set off the Douche Cyberwar a few months early, with unknown consequences. Therefore, I must ask the assistance of the greatest heroes of your age: Spider-Man, Kup, Batman, Robin, Bizzaro The Grip, Twiki, captain funtime, Bob Ross, and Senor JabbaJohnL, who is probably at this point in history too busy sucking his own willywonka to have realized his full potential as the man who singlehandedly saved humanity when Skyreuters sent a planet-sized tank to get a Slurpee in or around the year 2056.
Courage, my fellows. Courage. We stand ready in the face of a blatant ripoff of several science fiction movies and superhero comics, ready to confront our darkest hour. Unfortunately for us all, Optimus Prime had the Matrix and died about two or three silly vynsane.com crossover events ago.
